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WWOOOOoooo
Hi. Here am I. Here I am. I am here. With nothing to say. But probably out of having too much to say. Not sure where to start. I felt drawn here. Here I am. Just a sketch 😞 overwhelmed by ... exhaust. and sadness. Like a tired pen of a heavy handed writer. I am both paradoxically. I digress. Nor do I make much sense. Or believe in grammar. If this tells you anything about myself. Need I say more? I divide my time by what will help me to feel the least amount of despair at the end of my day. Took some years to find it takes real work to feel worthwhile. Everyday. A high amount of work. It's worked so far. so for now I am here. Out of things, wondering if being here will take that weight off my chest just a little more. If nothing else, at the least I feel safe here to let my thoughts wander. Coincidentally though not so much of one (just seemed like a pleasant sounding transition), a public website I created feels like the place people are least likely to look 😂 I understand it takes far too much work from those who care far too little, in this regard. Regardless, if you really are here i'm impressed. And understand that you likely know me far too well at this point. With the favor unlikely returned. What is also true is you know my words are different every time, but the thoughts are the same. The impressions. I'm overwhelmed by the world, but more realistically the model of the world in my head that's been constructed the last 25 years. I reckon I'll never know just how accurate it is. But it helps to know it as only a model. What's unfortunate is how overbearing the realization of commonality is. As in, it's dreadfully heavy to think of just how many souls there really are on this earth. How many poor lowly souls. It's painful to see billions of people not feeling seen, not being known. This is where it gets tricky to me. I wonder if it's just me, or if how I feel is pretty common. That there is such a high number of people that in a way, everything about everyone is common. To the point that it is impossible to be unique. Or uncommon. It's strange after being raised in a way, to see it as an independent and feel it to be all wrong. Because it's so ingrained, to the point of being the substrate of my mind itself - the goal is maximal attention and praise from as many people as possible. And then the realization in my age this is a game very seriously destined for all to fail. Potentially even designed. It leads to the root question of where it stems, and why it began in the first place. This is what I mean by wondering if it is just me. I don't hear it said much. though I may be looking in all the wrong places. Or just plane not looking. Anyways, I'll spare sharing all the thought processes leading up to this point, if you take any disagreement i'd be happy for you to take it up with me. Ego - it has to be. It feels like the easiest explanation any how. So it must be biological? But you could make the argument: What isn't (biology)? Good question. That I am not qualified to answer. And I'm not qualified to be here. But here we are. So what does it all mean? Where I'm going with this? Cannot tolerate the fact that I'm nobody -- that everybody is nobody -- we are nothing