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WWOOOOoooo
Where do I begin. I’ve been contemplating the idea of there being no beginning. The impossible to conceptualize concept of eternity. It’s stranger to consider no beginning than no ending to me. I can’t consider existence as such. Especially to consider my span is finite, with beginning and certainly end. Or so I’m told. Is it not in my place to consider the all? Or is it a crucial responsibility? I’d say the later as it appears my span albeit transient is a factor within the all. It calls in to question if I should be most important to me. Or if I should think I matter if there really is no beginning or end. What difference does it make - the path that life follows - if it cannot be significantly considered in a never ending story? If something were never beginning and never ending then it is practically by definition that nothing matters. Yet in our heads it still does. Am I being naive? Regardless, the loop I find myself imprisoned in does not seem as though it holds it in its nature to yield an exit. What I’ve decided at this point because of reasons I find and hope are semi obvious and do not require further explanation is that it only makes sense to assume, or if we cannot even do that then pretend that it ought be my highest priority to control everything I can control with the highest aim in mind. It is a key point to pay lip service to the reality that I control little. Very very little. That which I do control however, is my definition. It is my life. What I do with this birth right is the point of this life. Even if it were that free will were an illusion, this too is inconsequential. Because I do not know, and my only real and beneficial choice is to act as though I can freely choose, and that there is a best choice, and it is only my privilege and burden to fulfill these potentials as best and truthfully as I am fit. And the funny thing is, that means my decisions are guided entirely by my relationship with the all. So, more or less in my limited dull perception, that paradox remains but the solution is dissolve the illusion of life being meaningless by the implied void of never ending time (since we literally cannot comprehend this I see it very well could be considered an illusion) with the illusion that there are multiple outcomes and that I can steer this to the best outcome if I know it does not matter if it does not matter(likely an illusion I have free will but one I cannot dispel). Strange. Nonsensical. I also assume my math does not add up, I am really making this up as I go. The unfortunate truth of modernity is that my baseline thought process is to just do my best, and the smart grownups in the room will set me straight, correct my errors, and inform me of the truth. I’ve never sought the truth myself, in the real way that I should. I don’t think I can. I don’t know if anyone can truly seek truth individually. I wonder if truth is nothing more than a consensus. An illusion. But that just does not sit right with me, and my intuition tells me it is just not true. Not true that you can’t find truth individually. Perhaps truth is reserved for the bravest (most insane?) of us all. Will I ever know… I don’t know, but the nature of my answer suggests I won’t. Pity.